A Beginner's Guide to Combat

"Oh, Boy, I Don't Think They Like Us!"

A Good Spoof

By MARC LEVY
CounterPunch

"......Recruiters

Contrary to numerous reports depicting recruiters as bottom feeders, vultures, flim flam artists, used car salesmen, carney barkers, swindlers, grifters, gutless outlaws, sniggering ne'er-do-wells, heartless card sharps and the like, these honorable men and women offer prompt and accurate guidance to those who wish to serve our country in the present War on Terror. In spite of it being impossible to invade and occupy a concept (On War, Clausewitz , 1832); despite the "coalition of the willing" having nearly dried up; and given that a majority of Americans and Iraqis want the US out of Iraq, such concerns are of minor consequence to those who have full faith in our Commander in Chief.......

Basic Training

......At precisely 11AM drill instructors permit male recruits a one hour nap. Females may elect aroma therapy and/or pedicure. A gourmet lunch is served at 1PM. Afternoons are spent on tennis, badminton, or handball courts. At the 7PM. dinner (jacket and tie or cocktail dress and heels required) appetizers of Cajun Double Seared Shrimp, entrees of Escargot de Bridget, and hefty slices of Black Forest Brownies drizzled with organic fudge flakes are much in demand......

Deployment

All troops fly Business Class to Bagdad. Second, third and fourth tour vets are issued Very Frequent Flyer Cards. Arrived in Iraq, the new soldiers are awed at the sight of vermillion rose petals which dot the landscape as far as the eye can see.....

Sex

Periodically, soldiers may have the urge to fornicate. All fornicatory requests must be put in writing and submitted in triplicate to the Battalion Medical Officer, who will issue one Combat Condom per request. Upon completing the fornicatory act and placing the used Combat Condom in a UCCC (Used Combat Condom Convoy), the soldiers will stand and recite the Pledge of Allegiance. Contrary to reports of male soldiers sexually harassing, molesting, assaulting or raping female soldiers (see below) the Army permits only authorized fornication, with a maximum of twelve fornicatory acts per year. Marines may fornicate thirteen times per combat tour. Navy and Air Force personnel do not have sex.......

Drugs

Although the UN Office on Drugs and Crime estimates that the 2006 opium harvest in Afghanistan will be 6,100 tonnes, more than thirty times 2001 production levels under the Taliban government, there is absolutely no illicit drug use by American soldiers in that country. Instead, during and after combat missions, American troops drink mocha lattes or vanilla frappuccinos to slake thirst, assuage fatigue and increase peer status. In Iraq, soldiers caught smoking hashish are subject to Sharia law......

Summary

Books like Cobra II (Gordon and Trainor, Pantheon, 2006 ), The Freedom (Christian Parenti, The New Press, 2005), and others of this ilk purport to objectively examine the Global War on Terror but merely serve to confound the populace, displease the President, and discomfort our fighting troops. The unexamined life is better. To pair and paraphrase Donald Rumsfeld and Hippocrates, "Life is short, war is long." Indeed, war builds character, strong bodies and sound minds. Though it may damage, ruin or scar the soldier, in the end, when we victors survey the beautiful wreckage of plundered landscape, the multitude lost and broken lives, still we lift our heads to inhale the acrid scent of battle, awed by our great endeavors. To be otherwise disposed would invite disaster. Yes, we who are triumphant must hold dear the belief that old soldiers never die but fade away, and we must trust that those younger will shortly follow."